BITCHING 101: PHILOSOPHY & COMPONENTS

BITCH. One of the most complicated word in the English language as it was an insult but most of us carries the title out and proud these days. A bitch originally means a lewd, malicious, irritating woman (as in being a dog in heat) but in today's world, some women has self-identify themselves as bitches to indicate that they are strong, assertive and independent. A son of a bitch is generally a despicable or otherwise hateful man, but can also mean a dear friend who has done something impressive or clever. If something is bitchin’ it is deemed to be particularly cool or in-style, but if a person is bitching they are complaining or whining. To be someone’s bitch is to be his or her servant or slave, to sit in the bitch seat is to sit in the under-sized seat in the middle of a car, to bitch slap is to strike with an open palm. Bitch might have originally meant a female dog, but now it can indicate anything from slapstick humor to scathing insult or even an identity.

To be or to be called a bitch may not necessarily be a bad thing in today's world so if someone close to you calls you a bitch, say thank you and start acting like one.

"THE BITCH PHILOSOPHY"

"I intend to do what I want, be whom I want to be, say what I want to and answer 

only to myself: that is, quite simply.

So, are you bitch enough in today's cutthroat world of bitch-bite-bitch-head-off world? You see, being a bitch is really simply. There are only few components involved and it is really, to put it in the most appropriate manner; effortless.

#1. BE BLUNT

Being honest and being blunt are two different act. Being honest means you are truthful to people but with a slight tinge of politeness or niceness. It's sugar-coated. Being BLUNT, however, means you go straight to the point and if it scratches that person's feelings, too bad then. If that makes you or me a bitch, so be it.

#2. BE PICKY

We have all been through those times where people say 'Oh, you're too picky'. Well, it doesn't hurt to be picky or 'high maintenance'. When you are being picky, the feelings that are hurt aren't yours and if you are 'high maintenance', it comes from your own and not these people who can't stop yapping. At least you won't get stepped on if you actually voice your opinion about what you like and don't like.

#3. BE MEAN (GENERALLY)

This is the easiest of all the components to be a B-I-T-C-H. You just have to be willing to laugh at anyone and everyone around you. Hey, I see fat girls with a poor sense of dressing, I laugh. Feelings got scratched? Dress better next time. Friends, in addition, are not off limits either. In fact, you should laugh at them more and they should laugh with you.

#4. BE SARCASTIC

This component goes hand in hand with having a mean streak, especially if you are laughing at the fashionably-challenged or just challenged in a funny way. Being witty while being mean is a plus point. Saying a person is fat isn't funny. Saying that person looks like a whale, now that's funny.

#5. BE VAIN

You have to be vain if you are going to be a bitch. Be vain to show that you have what it takes to be a bitch but if you are born rich, then everyone around you would assume that you're a bitch already. Like me, I am vain because I am a bitch not because I am rich. Be vain about something on a smaller scale like your hair for example so that people would know if they ever try to chop it off, you'd be Adele turning tables.

#6. GLARE

Otherwise known as THE BITCH STARE. With lots of practice infront of the mirror, you will have that look. That look that screams BITCH whenever people see its. The Bitch Stare is a form of art and it wasn't until this year that I have perfected it. Now, whenever I gave THAT LOOK, THAT STARE, my friends knows that the bitch is coming out to say 'Hello...' That look is normally accompanied with the word 'DA FUK?' The Bitch Stare is also good when your friends are acting like an idiot or did something, you as a bitch would disapprove of.

THE TWO SUPREME BITCHES

The CONTROLLING Bitch VS. The MANIPULATIVE BITCH

No one likes the manipulative type so don't ever be that type. These are bitches who like to think that they have control but they really don't. They lie and scheme to try to get others to do their bidding, to get what they want and they are so easy to figure out. A true bitch, a controlling bitch already has such power over others and controls the situation in general that when he/she says JUMP, those around her would ask, 'how high?'. That kind of bitch need not lie, scheme or plot. They don't have to hide their intentions because people are either too afraid of them or they are just appreciative of them. It's always better to be a bitch that gets appreciation rather than fear.

Need help on being a bitch apart from all this? Check out DON'T TRUST THE BITCH IN APARTMENT 23.

"I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch but I can tell you she's a BITCH."

Oh well, so are you ready to be a bitch? I am gathering my armies of bitches, would you like to join?

If you were nodding and saying YES to my armies of bitches, then you are just asking for it. Asking for a bitch fit. Why would I need armies of bitches? Like I could save the world with it. BITCH, PLEASE.