The BEST PHUNERAL!

This was my phuneral plan back in 2011. Will be updating a fresh one sometime this month, perhaps.

Yeah, I know people usually plan their wedding and tells everyone about it but me being me, I do things a tad bit differently. I don't think its superstitious to plan and blog about my phuneral. Trust me, this is not an emo post. I just think of my own phuneral as something different that the regular phuneral. *But I do hope God won't take my life as soon as I finish this post, thank you God. Amen. (see, even the phuneral is spelled differently)

Okay, and so I've died in the phuture (NOT ANYTIME SOON!) and like any other death, close ones have to honor me with a phuneral. So this is how it will go.

 

All my friends will attend to remember me for my bitchiness, honesty, brutal-ness, meanness (sometimes), cuteness, awesome sense of fashion and my creative mind among many others. Everyone is invited to my phuneral and its not going to be a dull one. Even as I lay dead, I will still welcome those who became my enemies through the process of me being successful. My road to fabulousity, so to speak (Thanks Kimora).

The venue will be at a park decorated with two colors, red, white and black. (See! That's what I get for skipping Albert Chin and Derick's class! Epic fail at maths) Red because its one of my favorite color. White because it looks clean and sacred. Black is for those who are fat and wanna come to my phuneral as a slimmer person. Hell, black looks good on anyone. There will be flowers and I want specifically peonies because I like Christmas and its makes me feel THAT closer to THE MAN up above.

Okay, as guests comes in, there will be a pianist playing and singing Marry The Night. After all have gathered, the priest will begin his prayers and there will be You and I playing in the background. After the procession and the tons of prayers, guests will proceed to view me laying peacefully in my cophin (to avoid any mishap), Poker Face will be playing and no one will cry for they will remember me to be the person that I am. Unique and an individual. Oh, and the cophin will be very victorian-esque. Think Vampire Diaries :)

Now, the eulogy part. As my close ones present their eulogy, there will, of course be music playing. When my future boyfriend(notice the spelling is right? Cause I want it to happen! The BF, not the phuneral) is telling everyone about my life, Hair will be playing. As he slowly proceeds into how we met, Eh-Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) will be playing. Then he will talk about how we fell in love, Boys Boys Boys will be playing, followed by Electric Chapel. Onto the subject of us cheating on each other, Judas will be played. Later on, Second Time Around plays continued by Love Game. He later explains how he loved me so much and Earthquake (Maybe Then You'll Love Me) plays. Considering he has been with me till the end of my time, he will be telling everyone about our lives together. As juicy details about our sex lives is being spilled, I Like It Rough (cause it was like earth-shattering?) plays and later on, he explains about my career and success in later life, Beautiful Dirty Rich plays. He reveals all the hardship we went through to get to where we are today, Government Hooker plays. I know that he will always be the one that be with me till the end, at this time Bloody Mary plays.

As we proceed, its time for someone to talk about my childhood and growing up. Born This Way plays very loudly but only the chorus part. As my childhood is being described, Fashion of His Love plays. As insecure as I was at times, people know I am who I am (Just Dance plays). Describing my night life, Dance in the Dark plays. A slide show portraying my hardship to success plays alongside The Edge of Glory.

Now, the phuneral takes a breather (no pun intended) and guests are served with white wine and sushi. The waiters are strictly hunks clad in nothing but a bow tie and a very tight black boxer short shorts. I also forgot to mention that the ushers are clad in tuxedos (normal, right?). The Queen plays throughout the break.

Back to the procession, now everyone is seated once more to hear more about me and my life. My BF again explains that our lives were very taxing and Paparazzi plays and as he mention about my favorite quotes, words and all, Scheiße plays. Last words from my BF came as he said I 'expired' a happy person, So Happy I Could Die plays because it was revealed I died while we were 'intercourse-ing'.

As the phuneral ends, the priest will ask everyone again for a moment of silent and pray for me and the last number of the ceremony plays, Speechless.

AMEN.

PS: By now if you don't know that this phuneral is Gaga-themed, then you are like SO NOT invited! Pfft!